Sun Belt Conference Tournament Running Diary

-Ted Hall

Sun Belt Conference Men's Basketball Tournament Round 2

University of North Texas Mean Green v. University of Louisiana - Monroe

3:29: I missed the tipoff, but the game just got started. I’m doing my best to make a running diary off a radio game. This should be interesting. The game’s being broadcast on 100.7 The Word.

3:30: Ben Bell! My point guard hero. I actually purchased a radio for this game. You should be impressed. I think I’m going to order a pizza.

3:32: The game is tied 8-8. The commentators are talking about the Cajundome in Lafayette. I’m not sure they’ve ever been to Louisiana…. They may not even be there right now, actually.

3:35: Warhawks 0/7 from three. Sturns comes in! The Jerry Stackhouse of the Mean Green. South Alabama lost in overtime to Middle Tennessee State in the game before this one. If NT can win this one, things* are going to be looking good for them.

*- ‘things’ being chances of being Sun Belt Champs and going to the NCAA Tournament

3:38: Calvin “Elementary, My Dear” Watson has earned two fouls and was forced to sit. When Mark and I first started paying attention to NT basketball this year, we came up with nicknames for all the players. They were usually more famous people with the same last name. We had Raja Bell, John Wooden, Michael Young. It was funny… to us. I think I hear the NT BAND! I hope ?uestlove is conducting… it only bodes well for us if he is.

3:43: We’re up 14-11… I think. Radio basketball is tough for me to follow. Stewart is 3/3 for 6 points. I figured the broadcasters would be more absurd than they are. They’re actually doing pretty well, so far.

3:45: Heh. He said “penetrate.”

3:47: “This is a defensive-type game.” Read: Boring. I really am skeptical about the quality of Sun Belt basketball. If we had the same score between Texas and A&M, I would nod my head like a robot when the commentators say that sort of thing, but put two SBC teams in there, and I laugh and imagine open shots bouncing off the front of the rim, over and over again. North Texas is 8/18 shooting. Monroe is 5/20. UGH!

3:52: NT is 0/6 from three. STOP SHOOTING THREES. North Texas is a jump-shooting team that can’t hit its jump-shots. Ben Bell and Quincy Williams are “playing catch”, according to today’s announcers. Whatever that means. Kendrick Davis just took a shot from the Concession Stand. He ordered a frito pie, if you were curious.

3:55: We’re losing 23-16. Monroe just had a 10-0 run. Johnny Jones calls a time-out. “They’re having all kinds of trouble against Monroe, Co-champs of the Western Division.” I swear that 50 seconds ago, they were talking about how well they were matching up. Love the flip-flop. Love it.

3:56: “Ben Bell did not know that the shot clock was winding down.” Not a good sign, ladies and gentlemen. 25-16, Monroe. The Monroe supporters were probably doing that fake countdown thing that never works. Why do North Texas fans do that? If they used the same energy to actually cheer or pay attention or give t-shirts to people who deserve them (me), games would be a lot more fun.

3:59: 60,000 clients trust Park Place with their Lexus? That’s impressive. I feel like you shouldn’t be allowed to own an upscale car dealership if you pronounce the word “wash” with an “r” in it. My ex-girlfriend did that: warsh the dishes, Warshington State, etc.

4:00: “First basket in 5 1/2 minutes for North Texas.” NOT a good sign, ladies and gentlemen. 3 minutes left to go in the half. Quincy Williams’ nickname is apparently “the Q”. I like it. I like “Quincy Jones” or “Quincy Carter” better, though. I’m sticking with the famous people thing.

4:02: The Q is hot. Ben Bell has 4 points! I think that’s a season-high for Bell!

4:04: The refs ask Jonas Brown of the Warhawks to tuck in his jersey. This has been the most exciting moment of the game so far.

4:05: Halftime. 36-24, Monroe. Yuck. I wonder if Independence Day is still on TV. Best line in cinematic history is accredited to Harry Connick, Jr.: “You're never gonna get to fly the space shuttle if you marry a stripper.” I actually would like to see a stripper fly the space shuttle, to tell the truth. It would certainly restore interest in the space program.

4:09: “2nd-lowest scoring half of the year.” A sign of the apocalypse, ladies and gentlemen. This is a running beer diary from this point on. Beer count: 1

4:13: Just called Mark. He said, “We’re gonna win…It’s our chance.” after sighing about 17 times.

4:17: 100.7 just listed all the restaurant sponsors. I didn’t know that we had that many fast food restaurants in Denton. I’d like to go to Chicken Express and Cici’s Pizza in the same day. Instant death. I take that back. I want Ben Bell to go to Express and Cici’s in the same day.

4:21: Just ordered from Papa John’s. Everyone I know hates their pizza, so I can only order it when I’m alone listening to a basketball game on the radio. I don’t know why I love it, but I just do. The second half has started. Ben Bell drove to the lane! Fouled! Two points! Pigs are flying! Hell is freezing! Mark Moseley is making love to a woman!

4:23: Calvin “Elementary, My Dear” Watson just sank a three. The announcer called him “C-Wat”. Ok, “the Q” isn’t so bad, but “C-Wat”? Honestly? NT is down by 7… rally caps on, ladies and gents.

4:24: “Bell earns a trip to the line.” You’re kidding me! If Ben continues his streak of having some balls, we could pull this one out. NT is down by 5. Oh! Foul against the Q.

4:27: “Nifty dribbling” would make a good band name. “Nifty Dribbling live at the forum!”, “Nifty Dribbling breaks up after 12 years and 3 quadruple-platinum albums.”, “Ted Hall, lead singer of Nifty Dribbling, overdoses on Chicken Express and Cici’s Pizza today at the age of 47 at his home in Long Beach.”

4:28: 42-39, Monroe. Ben Bell is playing really well. I knew you could do it, Raja. Speaking of Raja Bell, I watched Aladdin last night for the first time in about 11 years. It was really a pretty solid flick and as a music-lover, I’m kind of impressed with the songwriting for the movie. I’m actually thinking of having a Disney movie-watching event of some sort to see if this is a continuing trend. A girl I was watching asked what Disney character I’d be if I were one. After much debate, I determined that I would be Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. I mean, the guy was a real asshole, but he sings the line, “…every last inch of me’s covered with hair.” It doesn’t get better than that.

4:32: “…if Sturns makes these two free throws, the Monroe lead will be reduced to 1.” Sturns, of course, misses both. Stop talking. For the love of god, stop talking. “Sturns has a perfect game through 6 innings –” THUNK. Whatever.

4:34: “Whatever Johnny Jones fed Stewart before that game Wednesday night, he’s keeping it in him.” I hope it was Snausages.

4:36: My buddy David just called me. The Spanish word for popcorn is apparently “palomitas” (this was a topic of discussion last night). But I think a palomita is a pigeon. On second thought, “palomitas” is probably the Mexican word for popcorn… I’m going to say the jury’s still out on this.

4:38: Kendrick Davis is 1/12 shooting. I just threw up in my mouth.

4:39: What the hell is the possession arrow? Could someone explain this to me? Just looked up “popcorn” in an online dictionary: palomitas de maiz. Pigeons of corn. That is what I’m calling popcorn from now on.

4:41: Pizza’s here. Beer count: 2 Monroe still leads by 3.

4:43: Ben Bell sinks a three. He has 11 points and we are tied at 47. Woah. This is a good sign, ladies and gentlemen.

4:48: Kendrick Davis is 1/14, 0/8 for 3. I’m putting pins in my eyes. Please. Please. Please stop shooting.

4:49: The pizza and beer is slowing my journaling down. Sorry, kids. Sacrifices must be made. 50-49… us? I’m not sure who’s winning, actually. Radio sucks. Oh. It was Monroe who was leading.

4:53: We’re tied at 54. Turns out that these announcers are idiots, too. They started out so well. “He’s 1/15 right now, but I still think you look for Kendrick davis.” Do you? DO YOU???

4:56: “If Johnny does one thing excellent…” They also have trouble with grammar.

4:57: “Ooooooooooooooooooooooofficial Timeout.” Not really. I was just missing the mean green’s home announcer for a second. It is, however, the final media timeout for the game. It’s coming to a close and, because it’s on the radio, I have no idea what the score is. Dammit.

4:59: Monroe leads by one. C’mon, guys. This is the season! Don’t lose to my mother’s alma mater. Oh yeah, my mother went to UL-Monroe. We were talking about the today’s game last night and she said… wait. Wait just one second. Nevermind. That never happened. No one talked about this game, because even though half my family went to Monroe, none of them give a crap. UNT supporter count: 1, UL-M: 0.

5:02: 59-57, Monroe. 3:00 minutes left in regulation. WAIT! We’re now tied at 59. Way better than down by 2. UL-Monroe does not miss freethrows. I hate to say it, but this could be the difference in the game.

5:04: The announcer just called Kendrick Davis’ game a “poor shooting performance”. What? Kendrick Davis is 2-374 tonight. Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face is a “poor shooting performance.” Kendrick Davis’ play tonight is “a nausea-inducing, eye-gouging, puppy-killing nightmare.” Oh, I just killed a puppy, by the way.

5:07: “Either going to be heartache or elation for North Texas.” Really? Will it be one of those? I thought it was going to be a time of quiet self-reflection.

5:09: Wooden just fouled out of the game. Oh well. He was 1 of 2 for three points. They’re really keeping our stars out of the game tonight.

5:09: “This is a ‘get-r-done’ in regulation game.” What the hell does that mean? If I ever figure out who these guys are, I’m going to mail that dead puppy to their homes in at least two pieces.

5:10: Game is tied at 64. 23 seconds left. Shot clock is off. “Monroe can play for the win.” Uh, I’m going to jump out on a limb and say that we might need a defensive stop here. Please, Johnny. Don’t make me write about soccer… or worse: hockey. Mark has dibs on basketball.

5:13: “Hooper tried to get too cute with the dribbling there…” Monroe loses the ball, Ben Bell (for MVP) picks it up and calls timeout with 2 seconds left. Eek.

5:14: “With 2 seconds left, who do you draw it up for?” Please not Davis. Please, please, please not Kendrick Davis. 2.4 seconds.

5:15: Shot from someone (I hate radio basketball) is no good. Tied at 64. Overtime. “North Texas has some foul trouble to negotiate.” Dammit.

5:19: 1st OT. Ben Bell hit 1 freethrow to retake the lead. Announcer just said that Bell has “quietly” had a good day and that “It doesn’t seem like he should have double figures.” Maybe you’re not watching the same game that I’m listening to you talk about? Dead puppy is in the mail.

5:22: Kendrick Davis is 1/18. I was about to sacrifice a virgin to Thulsa Doom* when Conan the Barbarian (played by Ben Bell) sank a three to bring me back to sanity. Thanks, Ben “MVP” Bell.

*- Confession: before going back and checking this note, I wrote Lorna Doom. It’s not every day you get an evil James Earl Jones character confused with a shortbread cookie. Well, there was the one time I called Darth Vader, “Darth Trefoil” but that’s for another diary.

5:24: The announcers don’t have a nickname for Harold Stewart, but they call him by his first name, which just sounds weird. You can only call a great or unique player by his first name: Tiger, Peyton, Tony. You don’t call Harold, ‘Harold’. Mean Green lead by 7.

5:27: 1:49 left in OT. “They can climb back in it with a frozen clock.” I just had an image of a scoreboard covered in ice and icicles. Yes, I’m strange. Sorry.

5:28: They’ve called Harold Stewart ‘Harold’ about 5 times in the past 10 minutes. It’s not that big a deal, it’s just weird. 1:19 left in OT. 73-69, North Texas. Beer count: 3.

5:30: Monroe just got about 235 offensive rebounds and still couldn’t sink the shot. Jesus loves the Mean Green. Kendrick Davis goes to the line. (Uh-oh.)

5:31: Kendrick “Puppy Killer” Davis (an 80% free throw shooter) just sank two clutch free throws. He has 4 points.

5:33: Two more free throws from Davis. 77-71, North Texas. 14.5 seconds left in the game. We’re going to the Sun Belt Conference Semifinals, ladies and gentlemen.

5:35: Victory. North Texas – 77, Louisiana-Monroe – 71. Total beer count: only 3. North Texas will face Middle Tennessee state tomorrow. Ah, the alma mater is playing. Thank you, ?uestlove. Thank you for the victory. The game will be on ESPN Plus, which you can only see in Quito, Ecuador with the NCAA Superpass. I’m going to see if it’ll be playing at a bar around here somewhere, anyway.

5:37: According to our most-esteemed game commentator, Davis plays really well after playing poorly. So, relatively speaking, tomorrow he’s going to go 57-60 for 147 points. Be sure to watch if you can.